I had been in the convent for five years. At various points I had wanted to or at least thought about leaving. At one point I had even decided to leave but was encouraged to stay. At this point I knew it was a decision I would have to make myself. I was not going to be told I didn’t have a vocation by my superiors, I had to figure it out for myself. I had tried to reason my way through the problem, but only ended mentally running in circles and wondering if I was losing my mind.
I was not happy at all at this point: my mind was a mess and I didn’t know how I could keep going. I had a sort of conviction that I should stay; that it was the best thing to stay; that Murphy’s law applied and that my unhappiness was due to my imperfections. In order to ease my messy mind I decided to pretend that leaving was an option. So I pretended to myself that I could leave.
Suddenly my mind was quiet. What was this? It put me in mind of the Ignatian retreat I had done, aged 15. Discernment of spirits. One of the rules of discernment of spirits is that the devil works in trouble, the Lord in quiet. I did not trust myself to read this discernment well. One could deceive oneself reading a troubled conscience as the devil’s trouble so I sought help from a priest. We spoke each month checking I had no reason for a troubled conscience so we could properly discern.
And so it was I found that the idea of staying was troubling but the idea of leaving peaceful. I left knowing I had done my best to follow God’s will and need never look back with doubt.
Katherine Wansink Writes 